— A Monstrous Manifesto, by Catherynne M. Valente (via justaguywitharrows)
No material result in mind. The goal was experimental and as an act of worship.
It was an amazing experience just watching her and feeling her energy. There’s a lot of feelings and energy to sort through from last night… I hope ahcult will write up her experience~
One detail should be mentioned. I did not actually invite strangers into the scene. Unknown to ahcult, I had arranged ahead of time with a trusted friend of hers to manage who would participate in the scene.
Hrm… but as far as what it accomplished… or in terms of motivation… here are some thoughts in no particular order:
* Get more comfortable doing magick in the kink club and not giving a fuck what other people think.
* My goddess is less sexually experienced than I am. There are many things I’ve experienced that she hasn’t. This helps balance that.
* Lust is a great unifying force. There is a temptation to believe lust is destructive, but it isn’t lust that is destructive. What can be destructive is lust without empathy and respect. This experience, I hope, shows how amazing lust can be in the right heart.
* To show her off. And definitely mission accomplished. There were at least a dozen people watching the scene with desire in their eyes, wishing I’d ask them to join in.
* To show ahcult how lucky I am and how amazing she is~ to think of how many people will be talking about her scene last night and lusting after her now~
Last night’s scene was truly incredible. I was definitely nervous going in, especially not knowing that niaskotl had specifically invited people to play with me who he had trusted, but that nervousness melted away with his loving touches and reassurances that he would keep me safe. I had no doubt in my mind that he would, but hearing his words soothed me so much.
niaskotl’s Star Ruby was so wonderful and it was such an honor being in place for Babalon and sharing her power. My love definitely commanded the space with his ritual, his voice and movements so beautiful and deliberate.
The feeling of Babalon was a lot less fiery than I had imagined it would be. She felt calm, elegant, but so much larger than life in me. She was sympathetic to the scene before me, definitely allowing me and those involved to enjoy her presence. And she was so wanton, even in her quiet elegance.
It was so amazing feeling their hands on me, my friends and my lover. I’m glad that they all enjoyed me, my body, my mouth, my cunt, and my breasts. I climaxed at one point, and it was a happy coincidence that it was my love that caused that. <3 He knows my body so well.
niaskotl said that there were at least a dozen people watching, which is so incredible. I never thought that I could influence a space and people so much. He said that they were so lustful, even hinting that they wanted to be asked to join in, which was so surprising but so, so gratifying. He also told me how proud he was of me, which made me so incredibly happy.
As my hands were being twisted around so much, I could feel them getting numb and Babalon slowly leaving me, knowing that my time was soon up. When I said the safeword, we were both so happy that the participants reacted so well. Their fingers didn’t even linger for a minute and their presence was gone so quickly.
I am so happy I was able to experience this with my love. I look forward to all of the magick, sex, and kink we explore in the future. Everything up to now has been so incredible and I know we will get more comfortable, but also adventurous as our relationship continues.
How I was feeling afterwards, once we got back to your place, the line came into my mind later to describe it from Liber AL 1:15
"…and in his woman called the Scarlet Woman is all power given."
During the scene and afterwards I felt not aroused by you, but completely in awe of you. Completely humbled. I had no power left in myself to rouse my own sexual energy. I wanted you so badly and felt completely impotent to act on it. I felt like there was some act on your part that I required to complete the circuit and return the power to me that I had given over to you when I helped channel Babalon into you…
Though now, seeing how the discomfort of the shackles broke disrupted the energy, perhaps that energy simply wasn’t in your possession any more to return. It’s definitely something we should play more with.
As it was, I just needed to use the disruptive force of consciousness to break the structure that made me impotent… Sorry that I scared you with that energy when it finally broke loose~ There was a strong animalistic urge to claim you. I was definitely overcompensating for the feeling of powerlessness I was breaking out of~
Looking back, I should have also made sure that you were properly grounded afterwards as well. It was convenient that we both had moments where our consciousnesses broke through. It was also very easy for me to slip back and ground once I was in your arms, hearing and feeling your heart beating.